Here’s to 30; now what?

Hey y’all, welcome back to another one of my ramblings. This past weekend I celebrated my 30th birthday. I don’t know if I will ever feel like my age but I definitely don’t feel 30 in the slightest. My brain might be close to 30, but my body feels like 86 and I dress and look like a slobby teenager. I found it humorous that, on Saturday, I dressed up to go out with one of my friends. It wasn’t a total clubbing get-up but it was an outfit vastly nicer than what I normally wear. I then proceeded to realize that my dressing up that night is just what some people wear on a regular basis and actually look like an adult. I see other people in their 30’s and they looks miles beyond what I do and I can’t imagine how I will actually look once I maybe have a kid or if people take me seriously. I perpetually feel like I’m playing dress up when I dress in anything that isn’t leggings/sweats/joggers, and a t-shirt. Dresses and skirts feel foreign to me and I don’t like how my body fits in other things. I’m not really comfortable in my body, but granted, I’ve never felt comfortable and confident. I only slightly that way when I was at my thinnest, but looking back, I know I was still just vying for attention and external validation, regardless of what size I am or what it has been. I’m now at the largest I’ve ever been in my life and it’s not a comfortable feeling but being chubby is also not the worst thing in the world.

We have all grown up in such a fatphobic society and I hate that I have fallen victim to that thinking and find the need to compare myself to others and never feeling like it’s good enough unless I’m smaller. I don’t like taking up much space but I should know that people are meant to take up space. We’re all entitled to take up space and we all belong to the same human race and we come in all shapes, sizes, and colors and it is all beautiful. I just wish I could feel that about myself. As much as I may say these things, I know I’m not being as authentic as I want to be because I can’t accept these things about myself. I’m not sure how I managed to turn a post about turning 30 to hating my body but I guess this is the epitome of brain dumps. It’s just like one lucid stream of consciousness that doesn’t always have a direct path to reach the end.

30 doesn’t feel any different than 29 did, but by the time I turned 30, I would have figured I would have more of my life put together, bit alas, I don’t. I understand that every person is on their own life journey and it doesn’t look the same for any two people, but I would have hoped to have accomplished more. Also, I think it might be due to the undiagnosed Autism but, I have always had this feeling that my life isn’t a real life experience. It’s hard to explain but I always felt like the things I experienced and the feelings I felt weren’t valid, that the jobs my parent‘s did weren’t real jobs (even though any job is a real job,) and all of the things I felt like I was supposed to feel, didn’t feel like those things at all. I think I learned a lot of how I feel like I was supposed to feel about things from movies and shows growing up. Everyone should have felt a certain way during different parts of your life but I always felt like I was growing up in an out of body experience. Nothing ever lived up to what I thought it was going to be like. I can be excited for things but I rarely ever feel the amount of joy that would be in direct correlation with the hype I felt leading up to it. I anticipate things are supposed to feel one way and it’s never that. If there is anyone out there that has even some similar feelings or experiences, I would love to hear them. I just have a hard time with feeling like I‘If there is anyone out there that has even some similar feelings or experiences, I would love to hear them. I just have a hard time with feeling like I’m the only one living in a perpetual out of body life.

I apologize if anyone has read this far. I imagine the response is like “what the actual fuck is she saying??” but I guess this is where my brain and hands led me today.

My bad,

-A