I’m back, semi-refreshed, and finally have some things to share

Hello everyone! Sorry for my hiatus. As I mentioned before, I just really haven’t had much going on that I felt was worthy enough to share. Now that it’s been a few weeks, I want to share what’s been going on and what’s coming up.

Since my last post, I just came back from a Disneyland trip yesterday with my mom and siblings. My sister had told my brother for the past few years that when he turns 13, she would take him to Disneyland and he turned 13 back in October, so the time finally came. It was a really great trip and everyone enjoyed themselves. My mom finally go to have a trip with quality time with her babies and she hadn’t been since 1996. My brother was old enough that he could enjoy all the of the rides, and as he’s gotten older, we felt it would be easier for his Autism, in a sensory sense, where he would have a better understanding of what to expect and we tried to be as thorough as possible when explaining what each ride was going to do so he could prepare himself. I think if we tried to do it when he was younger, I don’t think he would have enjoyed it as much. It could have been too much of a sensory overload so we’re happy how the trip turned out. I was a master DJ for about 10 hours of drive time, but I pooped out when we were about 1.5 hours from my house. Trying to find music that would appease everyone and that at least one other person would know and enjoy eventually got hard to do and it was taxing on my body and brain. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I feel like it sounds dumb to be tired from just playing music in the car but it was a lot of sensory stimuli for a long period of time, so it was quite draining. Plus doing that after doing long days of driving and being in the parks, I was just tired all around. I slept in a bit today so that helped a little but I still find myself feeling pretty tired and wanting to sleep. I had a lot of fun and it was great to get all of the family bonding time sans husbands, but I did miss sophisti-spouse and the sophisti-cats so it was really nice when I got home and I’ve been getting some good cuddles.

I decided also to take the rest of the week off from work to recover from the vacation and honestly, I needed the break. I was feeling restless, tired, and a little unhinged for whatever reason. Part of me has thought about looking for a new job. I’ve been feeling restless, lost, and unnecessary lately. I still don’t feel like I have purpose in my new role since projects just come and go and I don’t always have something consistent to work on on a daily basis. I help with order entry and I’ve been helping with ops in the warehouse since we’ve had COVID rampaging though the ops team, but I know it’s only temporary and I struggle with feeling useless and having no purpose. Even though I don’t really have any reason to feel this way, I keep having a lingering feeling in the back of my brain that I am going to get fired. I’ve never been presented with any reasoning to elude to that conclusion, but I think it’s just me catastrophizing and projecting some of my own insecurities and feelings in life. I know I am not in a position at the moment to switch jobs but it’s something that is on my mind and my mom and I started working on our resumes for when she goes to switch jobs later this year and I can have one readily available to use if I come across an opportunity for one. I haven’t talked to sophisti-spouse about it yet and part of me wants to but also part of me wants to keep it under wraps because I don’t want to worry him or spook him or think that I’m a liability. I like to think he thinks higher of me than that but I know he worries about my mental health and my ability to continue to hold a job and contribute to the household. I’ll probably tell him at some point but I do wonder how he will respond.

Speaking of conversations with sophisti-spouse, we actually have our next life talk coming up this Sunday. The last time we had a talk scheduled was three months ago. I wanted to give us time to start working on goals for ourselves and for each other and having a set completion date would eliminate most of my inclination to “nag” at him and gives him some autonomy on doing things at his own pace. I am concerned about the progress he may or may not have made during these few months but I am going to try and remain open minded about it. When I brought this topic up to my group therapy, my therapist gave me something interesting to think about and that would be what would be the consequence of him not completing the goals. I never really thought about that since I have been hopeful that giving him autonomy within a specified time frame would be enough to motivate him to complete the tasks but I don’t really know how I’ll feel if he hasn’t done those things we agreed on. I know I have actively been working on the goals to show him that I am committed to making strides for our future but I feel like I’m going to be disappointed. Again, I’m trying not to get ahead of myself but I really don’t know how I’m going to feel or react until I hear from him on what the past few months have been like and how much he has managed to accomplish. I want to have a family and I want us to do it together but I don’t know how much longer I can wait to have any sort of answer about it. I really would love to have a baby. I only really want one and I think that would be perfect for me. I don’t know if he would be satisfied with only one but I feel like this would give me the ability to have a family with him, get to be a mom, but still hopefully have a good balance with my mental health. I have a great medical/psychiatric support team and I know I want to do anything I can to mitigate any early signs of postpartum complications. I am already really susceptible given my bipolar diagnosis and my self-diagnosed autism, but being a mom is still an experience I want to have in my life. Maybe later on, if after we have a biological child, I would be open to adopting or fostering since I believe that the US foster system is absolutely fucked and there are so many children out there that don’t have loving homes and support systems and I want to be able to provide love, safety, and stability for a child in need. I know I have space in my heart for that and even sophisti-spouse didn’t seem to have any issue with that potential when I asked him a little while ago. I would be curious if he would be okay with actually following through on that but I’m not going to make any assumptions.

Okay, sophisticat #2 has decided that I’ve had enough time to write today as he is laying on my arms and is requesting love and attention. Be on the look out tomorrow for part 2 of this update!

xoxo,

A