Sexuality at its finest……not

Hey there! Welcome back returning readers and new ones alike. I figured this might be one of the easiest places to start as far as the start of updates to the past year of my life.

As I have mentioned before in previous posts, I do identify as bisexual and it has something I have become more and more confident-ish about it over the past couple years. A new facet to this, however, is now I think I might also identify as asexual/demisexual. I am someone who is not inherently turned on by just looking at a person. Sure, people are attractive and nice to look at but it doesn't mean it gets anything going in the loins. I'm someone who needs an emotional connection with a partner before I'm sexually attracted to them. Quite frankly, I could probably go the rest of my life without sex and I wouldn't even blink an eye about it. Unfortunately, sophisti-spouse took it the wrong way and thought I don't want to have sex with him. Part of the frustration for me is that he doesn't do any sort of research or educates himself in these different facets of my personality and make up, nor does he ask to understand more from me. He was hurt by saying I might be asexual and it has nothing to do with him. We had periods of time where we maybe had sex once a month and a lot was due to the deep depressions I have been over the years. When you're struggling to find a reason to stay alive, the last thing I'm thinking about is sex. He has been patient with me and hasn't forced me to do anything but he never expressed to me until much later on that he wasn't happy with the amount of sex we were having. I've tried my best to be open to sex more often and don't turn him down, but sometimes it just feels like I'm a being to meet his sexual needs and not much else.

In light of the sexual disparities we have had, in addition to previous contemplation, I asked his if we was interested in opening our marriage up. Since we've been together for almost 10 years, I never got the opportunity to date women since I didn't come into my sexuality until much later on in life. He was okay with it and understanding but he wanted to take part as well, which was fine. I figured it would help if we had a partner that might be able to help better fulfill his physical desires, as well as someone who would be able to be emotionally available to me. We set some boundaries and developed more boundaries as time when on. We managed to date one girl for about 6 weeks and that was all I could take. He enjoyed the experience way more then he had expressed to me and had developed feelings for her, which is whatever but I wasn't getting the same attention or treatment from either of them. It was always about them when it came to sex, she would offer him rides to place or want to hang out with him when she knew I do wfh every day and I'm always available to hang out. She never once offered to come hang out with me but would go out of her way to give him rides to softball. I was already struggling with getting adequate attention from sophisti-spouse and then I had to actually share the little affection I got with another person and I couldn't take it anymore. I broke it off with her and my fucking husband was literally crying over me breaking up with her. That's when I knew that his feelings were way more than he led on to and that pissed me off even more.

I let him continue to talk to her and even if he wanted to continue dating her but not around me. He talked to her for another 6 weeks and multiple times, interrupted our time we were spending together to go cater to her. They aren't even fucking anymore and she ended up committing to a relationship with another girl the day after I broke it off with her, and yet he still was wanting to talk to her and spend time with her. Eventually I told him that if he wants to keep talking to her, then I won't be around for it. If he wants to be with him, he needs to cut it off with her because it hurts me. He was offended by the "ultimatum," when in reality, it's just the fact of the matter. I wasn't going to deal with it anymore. After a full month of not knowing if he was going to choose me, he waited until the last day of the month to tell me he would stop talking to her and wanted to be with me. I found that to be complete bullshit that he waited the entire month to give me an answer but at least we started moving forward. Unfortunately, even after that our relationship is still in the air.

Our biggest struggles have always been with communication and him not telling me what he's thinking or if he has a problem with something I do and then just reacts once I do something he doesn't like. If after 10 years you can't tell your partner what's bothering you or if they did something to hurt you, then why the fuck are we even together? Our new lease starts next month and we only renewed a 6 month lease, since we don't know what the status of our relationship is. I asked him for us to go to marriage counseling and even though he agreed, he never took even 5 minutes to look at a website of a therapist I sent to him that might be able to help. After two months of asking about it, a week ago, I left it on him to pick a therapist for us. If he doesn't in the next few weeks, I'm going to spend the next 6 months preparing to live on my own and proceed with divorce. I can't keep carrying the weight of our relationship. It's fucking exhausting and I feel like I'm the only one trying. Without effort from his side, the weight of this relationship is literally killing me. This has been a really big, contributing factor to the feelings of emptiness, depression and being mildly suicidal. (For anyone that reads this, yes I am in therapy and I have a psych team I work with and they are aware of my feelings. I am also on medication and have the ability to call in the event of a crisis.) I'm just at a loss. I love him and want to be with him, but I also don't know who I am without him and that's concerning. I know I deserve more and I deserve to have someone be emotionally available/mature. I just want it so bad to be him but I just don't know if he understands the gravity of my feelings, no matter how many times I've said it. There never seems to be any hustle on his end to try and fix things.

Sorry, this post has gone all over the place but it's hard to try and convey all that I'm feeling in one blog post without turning it into a novella.

I'll continue to provide updates as things progress, but we'll see how it goes. If you've made it this far, thank you.

Until next time,

A