The road to self-discovery

Hello friends! Welcome back to another installation of my life where you never know what shit is coming out of my mouth at any given time. On today's agenda, I had some really strong feelings over the weekend about myself and what it meant to be me. Over the past few weeks, I've really started to understand myself more. Months ago, it was suggested that I might be on the Autism spectrum and once that idea was mentioned, the pieces of my life started to come together. I initially was surprised and I know I didn't fit the traditional presentation of what Autism is but I decided to look into different pages on Instagram and look for more information. There are so many great IG profiles out there that provide an immense amount of education on Autism and comorbidities (i'll have to update this later with specific profiles,) and the more I read, the more information was available and I was starting to see bits and pieces of myself in these posts. There are so many variations of what Autism can look like, hence why it's a spectrum, and you can fall anywhere on the spectrum, even down to different sub-categories and what the spectrum looks like for those traits. I saw representation of my own feelings and experiences growing up and that's where it really started to come together for me. I feel very strongly in this, and even though I do not have a formal diagnosis, self-diagnosis of Autism is still very valid. The way Kaiser works doesn't really cater to getting an Autism diagnosis once you become an adult, since they mostly offer services to children and early intervention, but that will be a goal for the future, is to get a diagnosis. In the meantime, my therapist would still agree that this is a strong possibility, and I am in agreement of being autistic. It's not like people are really looking to diagnose themselves as autistic every day. It's not something to be yearning for. It is a reality that people endure and this knowledge has helped fill the holes in my life. My brother, who was diagnosed on the spectrum when he was 3 or 4, was a little surprised when my mom told him that I was on the spectrum too. He isn't alone in this and he and I are actually more similar than I thought. There are other parts of my identity that I feel like I need to acknowledge as well and I want to learn to embrace myself for who I am, no matter the diagnosis.

I am autistic, I have bipolar disorder, and I am bisexual. I know being bisexual isn't a diagnosis of anything but it is a part of myself that I haven't really made super public. Some of my friends know, I've semi-acknowledged it with sophisti-spouse, but I've never made an official coming out statement to my family or anything like that because I didn't understand it entirely myself. I've always been attracted to men, but I have had strange feelings towards women since I was in elementary school, but I didn't know what it was, what it meant, and I was entirely uncomfortable with the whole thought of it. It would have never been an issue as far as my home life, since my parents were always very accepting and never shamed us for our thoughts and feelings, but it is something, even at 30 years old, I am still struggling to understand. I actually formally came out to my teenage brother as bisexual a year or two ago, since he actually identifies as bisexual as well. He has mentioned it to both of my parents already, and that was when he was like 11/12. Honestly, it was probably the fact that is autistic is how he was able to just announce it with conviction and no hesitation and I really admire him for that. He is really wide beyond his years and to know himself that well, that young, is pretty dope. I hope to be more like him when in the future.

So what I guess this post is cracking up to be, is my coming out statement.

I am autistic. I am bipolar. I am bisexual.

And there is that. I would love to hear about other people and their self-discoveries and how they have come out to their families. This is a safe space for everyone and I hope others can feel that.

xoxo

-A