Time, perspective, and gratitude

Hey everyone, so I had started to write a post on Monday and it was going to be some sort of reflection of my life or some shit because I'm going to be turning 30 in a couple weeks. The idea of that is kind of cool but also kind of scary. I don't feel 30 and I sure as shit don't look 30 but my body is busted far beyond that of 30. As I've always said, my life is perpetual existential crises and I continue to stand by that sentiment. Sometimes its every few years, sometimes it's every few months, but I am never lacking in some sort of life debacle and I will drown in a temporary well of despair where I don't know what is going to happen to my life and where it will go. Time just keeps passing and I feel as though I haven't accomplished anything worth mentioning, but I know it is just a matter of what you consider an accomplishment. The standard of accomplishment for me mostly surrounds my level of education, my job/lack of career, and a lot of indecision around what to focus on as a potential career path. I'm someone that has a variety of interests but I don't have any one thing that is my true calling. I've always wanted to be in the healthcare field but I don't know what exactly I want to do. I've also thought about starting my own business but I don't know what I would do and I tend to lose interest pretty quickly. Honestly, this blog is the longest project that I've tended to and it's only been a few weeks. It's probably because it was a nice little investment to keep me interested, but I guess I find it cathartic to just dump that random musings of my brain on an essentially unknown blog with the only viewer so far is my sister. I'll get around to learning SEO and maybe I'll get a total of 27 people looking at this blog. We'll see.

One thing I know for sure is that if I'm trying to be objective, I've accomplished more than a lot of people have. I have gotten two AA's, a few certificates, I got married to a great man, live on my own and have fully supported myself for the past six years. I've paid off credit card debts, my car, had my wedding paid off before the day I got married, and never had to take any student loans. I have a 401K and investment accounts for myself and I have money put aside for my parents to fall on if they need financial help, and my brother to help out when he turns 18, whether he wants to go to college or buy a car or whatever it may be. I have a job that I have been with for six years and has more than doubled my income from moving up in the company. Is this a job I want forever, no, but it pays the bills and is a cool place to work at that is flexible with me and my issues with my mental illness, as well as some of my coworkers are pretty dope.

As much as I do have these things going for me in my life, I still lack a sense of passion for something, as well as the looming cloud of Bipolar is always there and could turn into a torrential downpour at any moment. It's not to say that I always think my life is shitty or anything and I know I have things going for me and I am grateful for that, but I never seem to be able to live up to the standard that I have set up for myself in my head. I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, don't have enough money, motivation, don't own a home yet, don't have children, etc. The monster of comparison, you know? Do I absolutely need all of these things to have a full life, no. Do I really want some of these things, yes. I just wonder when I will feel like I've done enough?

-A