What is what in my head?

Good morning my homies,

Starting off my Monday with a slow morning so I decided to start reading some blog posts that I subscribe to and I read one today and it really got me thinking. The post came from the blog Natashatracy.com and the article is titled "How I Know What Is Bipolar and What Is Me." She gives some great advice on how to track your moods and develop an understanding of what your baseline is and how you can see which of your thought patterns and actions are within the normal scope of your behavior or if it is something perpetuated by your Bipolar Disorder.

I have always wondered the same thing about my own thoughts and behaviors. I remember having a discussion with one of my old therapists and he recommended I read the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain, which is surrounding the idea of what is introversion and what studies and behaviors relate to a person who is introverted versus extraverted in nature. I found the book pretty compelling but it left me questioning, at what point do my thoughts and actions transition from introversion to depression or anxiety? In addition to the nature of introversion, the spectrum of Bipolar symptoms, and in my case, the added potential diagnosis of being on the Autism Spectrum, (my current insurance and hospital don't really go through diagnosis of ASD in adults, usually only children and adolescents since they can have early intervention services rendered,) what does my actual personality look like and what parts of my life, thoughts and behaviors are a biproduct of my mental illness and disorders?

Growing up I was pretty shy, but it teetered the line of overly anxious. In elementary school, I used to raise my hand to answer a question but then if I was called on, I wouldn't be able to actually verbalize anything. I was actually referred to speech therapy because of those instances but they quickly realized that I didn't have a speech problem, I had an anxiety problem. In middle school and high school, I used to have full-on meltdowns and anxiety attacks at the thought of doing oral presentations. So much to the point that I had to do an 8th grade exhibition project and presentation and I was literally sobbing and hyperventilating and my dad ended up giving me one of his quick-acting anxiety meds and soon after I was able to give the presentation without crying or panicking. (No, I don't condone taking medications that aren't prescribed to you, but it was a necessary thing at the time and it helped tremendously.)

When going to high school, I had a similar problem during my freshman year. I was in Spanish 1 and I had a hard time with that class. We frequently had to do oral presentations in Spanish and I would cry every day that I had to go to school on a day when I had Spanish, begging my mom to let me stay home due to the horrific anxiety. The debilitating anxiety has held me back from trying many different things of interest. The fear and risk of failing is something that I rarely can overcome and I find myself holding back from trying things. When the anxiety succeeds, the Bipolar kicks in and all of the negative self-talk comes in on how I feel like a fucking loser and why can't I do the simple things that other people can do? Why am I so afraid of failing? Why can't I take risks?

I realize now that I have a somewhat better understanding of my actions and behaviors that the ASD definitely played a role in some of the high levels of anxiety I experienced as a child and that still remains to this day. As an adult even, I have a hard time with certain transitions at work and I get really anxious to the point where my boss will try and explain things to me (mostly stupid fucking Excel, the bane of my existence) and I literally try so hard to focus but it's almost as if a fog settles in over my brain, filling up my eyes and ears from the inside out and no matter what I do, I can't make sense of the things he's telling me. I know I have the capability to learn and do the tasks he asks of me, I just get so overwhelmed with what the tasks involve and my body goes into a sort of fight, flight, or freeze, and all I can do is try to maintain the guise of being alert and attentive. When he read me my new job description of this new job, the fog enveloped my brain and all I could do was cry when he asked me how it sounded.

Now, I know that my mental illnesses play a big role in how I experience the world around me and how my inner dialogue is shaped but I do know there are aspects of my personality that are truly just personality traits, I think (-vOv- <-- I don't know how to make a shrugging person.) Some of the personality traits are probably affected by my disorders in regards to some of the extremities of my feelings but nonetheless. I know I am a very compassionate person, almost to a fault. I really need to just start unfollowing cat rescues on Instagram because I swear whenever I encounter a post from one of them where they need money or supplies to help the little kitties out, I give them money or buy them supplies and then get really sad that I can't give them more and then feel like it's my personal responsibility if the cat doesn't get all of the treatment it needs. (I know, not healthy at all but I can't help it.) I also am compassionate to my family and close friends and always do what I can to help them. Almost a decade ago, I got the words "Transcending Reciprocity" tattooed on the insides of my arms. In essence, it means that I want to always go above and beyond just mutually exchanging feelings. I want to make sure those in my life feel the love and comfort they deserve and what I would hope they would care enough to give me the same level of effort in return. I don't expect everyone will give at the same level I do but I always hope that someone would be willing to do so.

Some other aspects of my personality do include honesty, loyalty, openness, personal awareness, empathy, humble, practical, realistic, a little high-strung, complex, resilient, a little abrasive, cautious, unconventional, fun-loving, intense, detail-oriented, independent, and a slew of other things. I'm sure other people would probably agree with this list when describing me. I've even been told by strangers that I have an intense aura about me and it always provokes people to be curious about me. Not that I believe in it entirely, but I have had people be able to tell what astrological sign I am just by the presence I was giving off. I think it's the underlying intensity I carry is what people sense and immediately get hints towards the fact I'm a Scorpio (SCORPIO SEASONNNNNN, AAYYYYEEEEEEEEE..........*face palm.* so dumb.... any wayyyyy....) This intensity I harbor is both interesting but also intimidating. All through my life, people were either intrigued or scared of me. I was, and still am, a very independent being that marches to the rhythm of my own off-beat drum. I also have a notorious resting bitch face which definitely had deterred others from approaching me or wanting to talk to me. People tended to get the idea that I hated them just because of my face when in fact I actually liked them as a person or didn't have an opinion/neutral. It was rarely that I didn't like someone. That carries a whole different aura in itself when I don't like someone and people tend to sense it pretty quickly. I wish I didn't always wear my emotions on my face or sleeve but it's just part of who I am. It's never the best for customer-facing positions or interpersonal communication with others unless you have a good understanding of me and my personality but it's unfortunately just who I am as a person.

In summary, I know personality is a multi-faceted, complex part of a human and the human experience, but I know that many parts of my personality are attributed and amplified by to my illnesses and disorders. Overall, as my mother would say, I am a decent human being and I know I have good qualities in me and what I present to others, but I know there are some things in life that will be much harder to do or I may not be able to do them because of what exists in my body. I may never accomplish the things I want to or I may make bad decisions based on where I am in my scale of Bipolar but these are things that will always be of some consideration in how I navigate through life.